Every relationship has certain checkpoints. The first date. The first kiss. The first argument. And, the first time you meet each other’s families. This is a big one. This means things are getting serious and that you’re taking a big step. But, also, meeting your boyfriend’s family or your girlfriend’s family can be stressful. Of course, you want them to like you.
First impressions are high stakes. Love is on the line. Well, maybe it’s not that dramatic, but it’s certainly really crucial. Making a really good impression on his/her parents and extended family makes relationships easier and, usually, happier. Here’s some helpful advice for the first time you meet your S.O’s family.
1. Learn A Bit About Them Beforehand
Meeting someone new is, if possible, usually preceded by some major Facebook and Instagram creeping. This time, you can skip Facebook (if they even have one). Use your S.O. as the ultimate, discreet source of knowledge about the family.
By learning a bit about them beforehand, you can figure out what you might have in common. This can be useful when it comes to conversation. Maybe you both worked in the same city or you love the same sports team or TV show. Knowing a few likes and dislikes is always handy. When in doubt, work in some common ground into your conversation.
Also, use this info to avoid embarrassing situations. It’s good to know if his dad’s allergic to peanuts so you can avoid the awkwardness (and dangerousness) of bringing your famous peanut butter cookies over for dessert. It’s also good to know if there are some topics to definitely not bring up aside from the usual politics, religion, and money.
This also helps for large family gatherings if you want to get a taste of family dynamics. Is one aunt his favorite? Do we *not* talk about one specific side of the family? It can be good to know the basics.
Plus, it couldn’t hurt to brush up on your small talk skills.
2. Assess the Formality
Dress appropriately and bring something. If the situation is casual, don’t worry too much about dressing up. If the situation is a bit more formal, like a dinner, consider bringing over a dessert or asking what you can bring. If you’re going to a celebration or certain party, you might want to bring a tray of cookies or even flowers. It can be helpful to run your idea by your S.O., just in case.
3. When in Doubt, Use Your Common Ground: Your S.O.
Parents love talking about their kids and I imagine you love talking about your S.O. If it’s okay with him/her, ask their parents about him/her. Just avoid making the entire meeting memory lane and embarrassing childhood stories.
And, feel free to share your own S.O. tales. They’d probably love to hear about the romantic or sweet thing their kid did for you or how lovely they’ve been. It could also be fun to bring up some funny moments you had, so long as they’re appropriate. Try to avoid turning the meeting into a roast of your S.O.
4. Arrive on Time
Even if he talks about how his family always arrives late, ensure you’re on time. It’s a great way to assess the scene and kickstart a good first impression.
5. Avoid Meeting Everyone During Major Holidays
If possible, try to meet at least his/her parents or closest family members before meeting the entire family. It’ll be nice to meet them in a smaller setting and to go into a larger gathering already knowing and being a bit more comfortable with others. For example, before meeting almost all of my S.O’s family during a party, I met his immediate family and a few of his cousins first. It was nice to go into a huge gathering already having some familiar faces.
And, when it comes to holidays, try to avoid them in terms of the first time you meet your S.O.’s family. Holidays are stressful enough and definitely high stakes. Suggest a small dinner or meeting of their parents beforehand if you are invited to Christmas Eve or Easter.
6. Offer to Help
They may not always accept, but it’s important to offer to clean the dishes or set the table or even to make the salad.
7. Listen More than You Talk
This is such a great way to make a good first impression on anyone. As someone who loves talking, I struggle with this, but it’s important to be talkative while also listening to stories and information.
This is especially important if you’re meeting your boyfriend’s family that he doesn’t get to see often. You don’t want to entirely control the conversation when their family will probably want to catch up a bit with your S.O.
Share your time! Contribute and interject, but listen and pay attention.
8. Say “Yes” to Food
Especially, if it’s homemade. While you don’t have to stuff yourself, make a point to clear your plate. Or, to compliment the food. This is crucial for an Italian family where appreciating and eating homecooked food is a sign of respect.
I’m pretty sure my boyfriend partially won my family’s favor by always happily accepting more food and expressing how much he enjoyed it.
9. Be Genuine & Proud
Don’t make up lies to impress the family. Don’t pretend to enjoy things you don’t like. Avoid the false “nice” exterior and opt for being genuine. If you plan to stick with your S.O. and, by extension, the family, you want to be your real self.
Also, if you’ve got something to be proud of, don’t be afraid to slip into conversation. I’m sure whoever you’re dating’s parents would be happy to know they’re dating someone with a 4.0, amazing cooking skills, a charitable spirit or a cool job. Just be sure to work it in naturally so you don’t come off as a braggart ;).
10. Respect Their Rules
If you can’t stay in your S.O.’s bed during a weekend in their cabin, don’t. If they don’t want you in your S.O.’s room with the door closed, keep it open. Respecting their rules and going with the family values is a nice way to integrate yourself and to show respect.
All in all, meeting your boyfriend’s family (or girlfriend’s family) is a big deal, but the first impression is never the final one. And, just think, maybe years from now you’ll reflect on the first time you all met and laugh about it. Or, you’ll break up someday and then none of it will matter. Is that helpful? Maybe. Good luck!
