I’m not an expert on love by any means whatsoever. But perhaps my college professor who studied all of this sort of stuff kind of was. One of the few lessons I’ve retained from college (sorry!) is the one about the eight relationship roadblocks. I learned all about them, read about them, memorized them, wrote an essay about them, and I still reference them when giving my friends dating advice. And when giving myself dating advice. They’re more or less the things stopping you from falling in love. Or having a healthy relationship.
They’re pretty legit. So here’s the deal. I’m going to explain these roadblocks in layman’s super basic easy-to-understand- useful terms. And I hope it might help. Here’s what’s holding you back from finding love… or, at the very least, a healthy and happy relationship.
Your expectations are too high.
If you have an unrealistic mental checklist of what you’re looking for in a partner (no student debt, can bench 200 lbs, makes six figures…) it might be time to re-evaluate. What is truly something you need in a relationship? Chances are whether or not they have debt or can bench a lot of weight isn’t a necessity.
You should 10000% have expectations. But make sure you’re setting them at a reasonable level. Maybe you expect someone who’s down to go all-out for your birthday. Or someone who loves your kitties almost as much as you do (hellooo!). Or someone who has a full-time job who lives in the same state as you. Reasonable! Important!
You think, “this should be easy!”
If you’re under the impression that you should never have arguments, disagreements, or differences in a relationship then, uh, good luck finding a relationship!
That being said, if something just isn’t working and doesn’t feel right, go with your gut. If you’re arguing more often then not, it’s probably not meant to be. If they make you feel bad about yourself, give ’em the boot. And if someone ever puts their hands on you and physically harms you, they’re sure as hell not the one.
All in all, try to work through the disagreements or serious talks. But also try to trust your gut and be able to know when something is more than just a simple disagreement that can be worked through.
You’re in the mindset of “It’s gotta happen now!”
The most unsettling dating app bios IMO are “Looking for my future wife” or “Looking for the future Mrs. *insert name*” because um, wow, that’s ambitious and overwhelming. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting the next one to be the one, but take your time!
A sense of urgency could really be one of the big things stopping you from falling in love because chances are you could be trying to push the wrong people to fill a gap in your life. As hard as it is to take something you’re stressed about and make it a non-stressor, try it to the best of your ability. Go into things with expectations and hopes but don’t try to rush anything because you want a serious relationship or a wedding.
You think “it’ll just happen.”
I mean, sure? Perhaps you can wait and hope to experience love at first sight and maybe sometimes happening upon an amazing person does just happen, but if you feel like an amazing relationship will just fall into your lap without you trying to so much as start a conversation, uh, it could be holding you back.
No need to force anything or spend hours prowling Tinder and Hinge, but not putting yourself out there while expecting someone to hand you the love of your life isn’t necessarily the best strategy. I’m a firm believer in “Good things come to those who do, not those who wait.”
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You’re “looking over someone’s shoulder.”
If, in every relationship, you’ve constantly got another mental tab open to “see what else is out there,” you could be holding yourself back. In relationships, try to be in the moment and really decipher if something is right. If you’re always looking for what’s next or keeping one eye out for someone or something better, it could be a sign that you’re not happy in your current relationship and it can also be a potentially unhealthy habit to develop.
You’re giving up too much or are willing to give up too much.
Be wholly yourself and see who’s drawn to you and who clicks with you. If you’re willing to give too much and compromise a lot of aspects of your life and beliefs for someone, the relationship you’re creating isn’t stable, genuine, or sustainable.
Compromise happens but if you’re willing to give up everything for love, you might not find true love at all. You might just find someone who’ll happily take advantage of the all take and no give situation you’re setting them up for.
You’re carrying too much baggage.
To be totally honest, I don’t remember the explicit details of the meaning of this roadblock. So we’re gonna say it means you’re carrying a lot of baggage into your next relationship. Lighten the baggage load for the sake of your own sanity and for the sake of being able to open yourself up to finding someone new. This one, to me, is all about letting go (to the best of your ability) of things that went wrong in past relationships and friendships.
Your fear of failure is overwhelming you.
If you’re very afraid of failing, you’ll never really try. A fear of rejection or even a fear of another breakup could be holding you back from finding something new and authentic. Just remember that it’s all about trying and even if a relationship or a new connection doesn’t work out, it’s not a failure. It’s a lesson or a funny story or a dumb thing you’ll move forward from. Like that song from “Wicked,” you know “’til I try, I’ll never know.” She ain’t wrong. Apply the Broadway lyric to your love life.
What are some things stopping you from falling in love?
