Title got your attention, didn’t it? I debated on sweetening the title or maybe censoring it a little bit but there are so many things to be offended by on the Internet if someone is deeply offended by my using the word “asshole” in a post on my tiny little sector of the web, um, I guess they wouldn’t click on this in the first place, would they? If they did, maybe they’re a bit of a masochist.
There’s not really a better way to phrase it because frankly I don’t take the word “jerk” or “meanie” seriously and the word “bitch” is far too gendered (that’s a whole other story). Frankly there’s no word that has quite the widespread connotation as “asshole.” It’s universal. I’m already being a bit of an asshole in my introduction alone, whoops. I’m losing my credibility as a reliable narrator but I promise I’ll win it back in the next paragraph.
Perhaps you don’t consider yourself to be an asshole and maybe you aren’t one, but there are definitely habits you (and me, definitely me) can take on or end to be less of an asshole in general. Basically here are some ways to make the world a little bit of a better place, here’s how to be less of an asshole. I’m not preaching, I swear, I’m guilty of many of these things.
1. Stop littering.
Like I said, I’m not a preacher and I’m pretty honest here. I WILL admit to jokingly remarking, “The world is my trash can” while tossing a straw wrapper on the floor or chewed piece of gum on the sidewalk in the past. While I still laugh about that phrase, I know it’s not true. The fact is that littering is such an asshole thing to do. How hard is it to find a garbage or to shove something in your pocket until you have a proper way to dispose of it? It’s not that hard. Picking that stuff up is either someone’s job or it’s just being mean to the planet. Now you can find all of my gum wrappers in my coat pockets. I might have chewed gum in my pockets but at least I’m not an asshole who litters.
2. Hold the door (but like, not too much in advance).
Everyone has had a door dropped in their face by an asshole at some point. I still remember a time an older woman didn’t hold the door for me once time in Kohl’s when I was literally right behind her. The door slammed in my face. Oh yeah, I did NOT forget that minor inconvenience, woman, I never will.
Don’t be that person. Buuut also don’t be that person who holds the door way in advance thus forcing the person you’re holding the door for to sprint to the door. Gauge the distance away from you, if the person will be at the door in under three seconds, hold it. If it’s more than that, keep walking. If you accidentally drop the door on someone, apologize.
3. Answer your text messages in a timely manner.
It’s not always possible and sometimes it’s just annoying but we all know 90% of the time you have your phone glued to your palm. If it’s something that barely requires thought, just answer it. If someone’s asking you an urgent question, try to answer them ASAP. Put yourself in their shoes.
BTW, if you have read receipts on, read messages and take forever to respond that’s a special new level of asshole. The worst feeling in the world is seeing that someone read your message hours ago and didn’t even respond. Then again, if that’s your plan, go right on ahead you evil mastermind.
4. Stop being fake nice.
Wanna know exactly how to be less of an asshole? Stop being fake nice. This is the WORST nice in the world. It’s not even nice, but there’s no better way to describe it than “fake nice.” Maybe shade disguised as compliments would be a better way to put it. Backhanded compliments are actually probably the phrase I was looking for. You know what I mean.
This include popular comments like: “Wow! I wish I had enough time to do my makeup every morning!” or “He’s only talking to you because he thinks you’re hot.” or “I can’t believe you’re actually smart!” or “You’re so pale, oh my god, but like in a good way.”
Basically anything that’s slightly passive aggressive or can be somewhat insulting needs to leave your vocabulary. No one’s winning. You look like an asshole and the other person feels kind of crummy. Lose-lose. If you don’t have a genuine nice thing to say, don’t say it.
5. Stop using “I’m so jealous” as a response to something good happening to someone else.
I know. You’re jealous. I’m jealous. We get jealous. When someone tells you good news, especially if it’s good news you wish you had, it’s normal to be seeing red and throwing daggers. I know it can be hard to be happy for someone, , but just smile through the pain. Switch out the jealousy remark with a nice “I’m so happy for you!” or “You deserve it!” or “Let’s CELEBRATE!” or “That’s amazing!!!” and if you can’t be happy for that person in that moment, fake it ’til you make it or just wait until you can give a nice answer. If you’re really wondering how to be less of an asshole, well, this is a major key.
Think about it, though. If someone responds to your good news with “I’m jealous” what the hell are you supposed to say? There’s no way to respond. It puts everyone in an awkward position. It’s totally okay to be jealous, it’s inevitable, but at least try to be happy for someone, especially if it’s someone you care about.
6. If you’re mad at someone, tell them.
Don’t be passive aggressive until they finally crack or the tension gets to be too much to handle. No one wins. You’ll be stuck in a passive aggressive stalemate. Be direct about your grievances and talk it out. “I’m not mad :))” is the worst message to receive, why would you want to send it? Obviously you’re not thinking about any of this in the moment because you’re PISSED, but think of how much time it would save if you were direct and got right to the point. Plus, that’d be so ~mature~ of you to do.
I’m the queen of responding to “What’s wrong?” with an extremely loaded and false “Nothing.” But I swear I’m trying to stop because it really doesn’t accomplish anything at this point. If someone’s rustled your jimmies, you need to let them know so you can address and/or fix the issue. By not being direct about your problems with someone you’re basically just covering a coffee stain on your white carpet instead of actually trying to clean and get rid of it. Totally pulled that metaphor out of my ass but it’s super accurate and I’m lowkey proud of myself.
7. Stop blaming others for your misgivings.
Unless they really deserve it. Your professor didn’t fail you, you failed yourself. Wow, that sounded deep. I’m all for complaining and bitching but be sure to accept the blame if you deserve it. Honestly, if you didn’t open your book once and you never showed up to class, you CAN be mad and annoyed at the professor for failing you but you can’t blame him. Honestly, do you think your ass deserved an A+?
If you’re going to complain, at least accept the blame. Then again, sometimes you’re justified in shoving the blame on someone else.
Like if your housemate keeps leaving dishes in the sink, you can blame her because it’s literally her, but if the trash is overflowing you can’t throw blame when you’re also part of the problem because you didn’t take the trash out either. Ooops.
8. Don’t look at your phone while someone’s talking to you.
Holy CRAP this is rude. I know, sometimes people are boring as hell and it’s hard to pretend to care but blatantly staring down at your phone while someone’s trying to converse with you is a prime example of being an asshole. If you don’t want to talk to someone, find a way out of the conversation that’s more direct and less rude. If the person is a creep or is someone you don’t care about being mean to, by all means, use this strategy. If this person is your friend or someone who hasn’t done anything to you, don’t give them a low-key slap in the face by staring at your phone instead of them while they’re speaking.
10. Stop calling everyone out and correcting everything.
If someone said “I did good on my paper” and you follow with “*WELL. You did well on your paper” you’re an asshole. Life is not an APA paper. It’s casual conversation and there’s no need to correct someone’s speech or be an asshole about it. If someone is really mispronouncing something or if they make a funny mistake, that’s okay to correct or call attention (in a nice, casual way) but if someone is angry or excited just let it slide. Does it really matter if someone got one word in a movie quote incorrectly or if they make a tiny mistake? No. This isn’t life or death (unless it is, in which case, feel free to correct all you want).
Also, do NOT be that person who is a freaking human fact checker. If I say, “There’s like fifty cookies left,” and you respond by saying “Actually, there are twelve” I will never be your friend. To me, the biggest asshole is the one who basically fact checks and corrects every statement, especially ones that are clearly intentionally exaggerated. Thinking about this now is just making me so angry. I’m the opposite of this person, if someone says there’s like a million flies in the house when there’s only one, I will support them and agree.
11. Leave a tip.
TIP YOUR WAITERS AND SERVICE PEOPLE. I was at a diner with friends once and no one had any intent of leaving a tip, even though the waiter was incredibly sweet and diligent so I guilt over-tipped the waiter and internally rolled my eyes at my friends. Even if they’re literally the worst and you don’t think they deserve a tip, remember that waiters and waitresses don’t even get paid minimum wage. Also, the waiter could’ve just had a bad day and you’ll just make it worse by not tipping. I’m not preaching and I know it’s hard to be the bigger person and all of that jazz, but it’s not that hard to throw in at least 10%. Also, if you’re on a date and the person you’re on a date with doesn’t date the waiter that person doesn’t deserve a second date because they’re probably an elitist asshole. Okay, that was a huge assumption and quite possibly a stretch, but I’m just saying.
12. Say “Please,” “Excuse Me,” “Thank You” and “Sorry.”
Don’t overuse them because they’ll lose meaning. I’m a hypocrite with that though because I over-apologize 24/7 to the point where “Sorry” is just a filler word. xoJane has a great post called “I Stopped Apologizing For A Week” which is amazing and relatable as hell, BTW. Totally recommend. Anyway, saying these things too much is still better than not saying them nearly enough.
We were all (hopefully) raised to say these pleasantries and we should continue to do so. If you bump into someone or accidentally drop the door on someone, apologize. If someone’s in your way or you want to get in front of someone or get someone’s attention, say excuse me. If someone holds the door for you or helps you with something, thank them. If you’re asking for something, add a “please.” It only takes little bit of your air and minimal use of your vocal cords, it’s really not that difficult and it makes all of the difference. Honestly, if someone doesn’t have simple manners like this I automatically have a raised eyebrow and perceive them as rude as hell.
So, yeah, there’s a little guide on how to be less of an asshole. But hey, I’m not your mom and not even your mom can tell you what to do (really). If you’re not quite done being an asshole and you’ve got someone in your life that’s been pissing you off, feel free to send them a link to this article and a little passive smiley face. I mean, not that I’m encouraging any bad behavior, of course.
Do you have any tips on how to be less of an asshole?
