What’s up with that phase of life no one really talks about?
The one where you graduated a few months to two years ago and are still sort of trying to figure out when exactly your “crazy, just being an adult living my adult life in a BIG CITY following my dreams hustling but still thriving and traveling” years can and will begin.
I feel like most shows, movies, books, the works, have failed to acknowledge that strange phase. I mean, I understand. It’s not very exciting! But it certainly exists. It’s that gap between “I just graduated from college and I have BIG DREAMS!” and “I am in my 20s and LIVING MY LIFE and making small, but fun, mistakes but I have my own place and am independent and thriving!”
And it consists of a variety of concerns and special moments:
When am I going to move out? Is it weird that I haven’t moved out yet? How much does moving out cost? Who will I live with? Should I move out? How are other people just ~moving out~?
Perhaps some people are really pushed to move out because of a job they’ve taken that’s across the country. Or, maybe their parents simply didn’t want them moving back home and so they pushed ’em out the door and into an apartment.
But for those of us who have a job that’s close enough to home where it’s…nearly impossible to build up an argument as to how moving would make any sense (Is it worth it to cut my commute down by 30 minutes … but also increase my living expenses by 50%?). And this is not counting those who do not have a job at all or who are fudging by on a job or internship that they hate and know won’t last or provide them with enough funds to even breathe near an apartment building.
And when you finally do get that burst of “I want to start REALLY living in my 20s and being independent and free” (and I also want to bring my Pinterest apartment dreams into fruition very badly), well, who are you living with? Perhaps in not-New-York-City, you could just live alone. But in NYC? No shot unless you are … working in a very bustling and profitable field! Or have a trust fund.
The whole cool-and-in-your-20s vision of the apartment doesn’t work unless you’re also living with your ~friends from college~ or ~long-term partner~ but what if none of these people are also in New York? What if they cannot afford to live there? What if their paths aren’t lined up with yours? They so rarely are.
And this is merely the tip of the iceberg!
Then, of course, you have the questions that your family might be asking you. Maybe your coworkers are asking! And you start asking them about yourself! There are usually no satisfying answers.
These inquiries include but are not limited to: Are you single? Are you engaged? When do you plan on getting married? Do you plan on having kids? Do you like your job?
And of course, a question that used to make you Marie-Kondo-style spark joy just thinking about it that is now capable of inspiring utter fear and deep concern: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Well. In five years I will be… oh. 27! Close to 30!! That once seemed incredibly old but now it just seems really close and I have no answer anymore! I can only hope, um, I am happy? And still employed? And moved out of my parents’ house?
This stage of life also comes with the bonus idea of: How are other people who are my age doing ~*so many impressive and cool things*~
This includes but is not limited to: moving out, getting engaged, traveling around the world with a seemingly unlimited budget, etc, etc. How is everyone going to Thailand even though they do not seem to have any stream of income? How is your-acquaintance-from-college’s-boyfriend affording a jumbo diamond engagement ring for someone he’s been dating for a year?
Instagram will almost certainly make these feelings worse. But you’re also sort of the problem because you do post the (very) occasional victories you have, like a trip you saved up to take and are appalled at how much it cost or a brunch that looked beautiful but also (yikes) cost what you make in an hour. Nothing wrong with this (I do it) but it’s hard to imagine that other people are doing this same thing, it’s instead easier to believe that everyone has their shit together except you.
Read More: 13 ways to get your shit together
So, what is there to do about this?
Well, all you can really do is try to cope. I don’t have the answers, I only have a bit of advice on what’s been working with me these days.
Make spreadsheets. Somehow it’s oddly comforting to have a spreadsheet of future potential moving costs, furniture I’d need to buy, and things I’d need to do when I eventually move out. I also have a wedding spreadsheet that is quite empty, but it does have some practical wedding-related tasks. These sheets are like less visual, more adult-y add-ons to Pinterest boards, just um less exciting and more concrete and practical! In a way, I find comfort in making these sheets even though I have no plans to move out or get married any time in the immediate future.
It makes me feel like I’m being productive in some way, even if I’m standing still. It makes any seemingly distant dreams feel a little bit more real and plausible.
Mute or unfollow people on Instagram. It’s OK if you don’t have the willpower to unfollow someone … just mute the people whose posts make you feel bad! This isn’t revolutionary, but I find that following YouTubers who are my age or younger and are married and own a house already just makes me particularly bummed out. It’s OK to be jealous! Unfollow! Mute! Escape! It’s OK to avoid your issues sometimes, we’re in our early 20s lalala.
Slow down and enjoy the nothingness. There are few times in your life where you can live at minimal cost at your parents’ house, eating snacks they bought for you because they were at Costco and there was a good sale. There will be few times where you can just be so don’t fret if you feel like you’re wasting time or just waiting for your life to ~begin~. Life isn’t a huge race so you don’t need to waste your breath chasing down the next thing. Take some time to just walk.
Spend money on those experiences. This hasn’t been easy for me since I struggle to spend money. But, recently I went on a trip to Austin, Texas! And I might be going on a cruise later this year or something! And I recently bought tickets to see some Broadway shows.
No, I’m not rich. It’s all about finding good deals and knowing what you’re comfortable spending money on and cutting cost on. It also helps if you still live at home (it has its perks!) Experiences are something I’m 100% OK with spending money on. Most other things? Not so much. Is this a healthy budgeting system? Nah. But, hey, I don’t waste too much money! Spend money on things you won’t regret in a few years, whether it be a big trip or a really nice couch.
Above all, Learn to be happy with being happy enough right now. Perhaps you’re not overflowing with joy every second. Maybe you’re far from where you wish you were and feeling lost … but I’m sure you’ve got something going for you, even if it’s having a pet you adore or owning a dress you love very much. Some days are good ones and some days are mundane and uneventful. It’s OK and reasonable if you don’t feel like a Fourth-of-July sparkler every day.
Some days when I’m not particularly joyous or particularly sad, I just think of some of the things I feel happy about or lucky to have. I try to think about some things I look forward to, even if I tarnish them ever-so-slightly with a bit of a drawback. I have a few awesome friends (I wish they lived closer), I have two cats I love (I wish they didn’t wake me up every morning), I have a boyfriend who I also love (I wish I saw him more), and I have a job I greatly enjoy (I would love if I had a raise).
But, I think to myself that I am happy. Perhaps I’m not at 100% … but I’m happy enough. And that’s the best way you can possibly feel in this confusing, oft-forgotten-about stage of life.
How are ya?
